Thursday, June 23, 2011

Choosing My Own Attitude

I don’t usually write about my personal life, but I just need to vent and get some words off my chest and on “paper” to see if it helps. So please excuse this wordy, curse-filled swan song if you must. Who knows? I may end up deleting it.
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I am feeling like crap lately. Not physically like crap. More emotionally like crap. And it’s daunting. When I consider my “problems” from an outsider’s perspective, I feel whiny and narcissistic. While the logical portion of my mind knows that these aren’t “real” problems, the emotional part of my mind is a hot, hot mess. And I'm exhausted.

I was going through some pictures the other day looking for something and stumbled upon this photo of myself from 2006.


I was well on the path to gaining weight back then, but was probably about 20 pounds above my “healthy” weight and about 45 pounds lighter than my current weight. And I thought I was fat. Now, by NYC and Hollywood standards, I probably was fat. But by Chicago standards, I was not that fat. (Well, at least by Chicago standards in 2006. Things seemed to have changed a lot in five years.) 

The whole point of this is that I see my old photos and wonder “Why?” Why did I do that to myself? What did I talk badly to myself? That is awful. If ANYONE insulted me as frequently or as badly as I insult myself, I’d lose my sh*t on them or, at the very least, eliminate them from my life. Why do any of us do this to ourselves as women? It is so anti-feminist. Besides, if I was criticizing anything, it should have been that God-awful perm.

I can’t change how I treated myself in the past, but I can improve my internal dialogue moving forward.  But what do I do to get the weight off? I’ve been on WeightWatchers since April 11 and haven’t lost squat. I have been bouncing around the same 2-3 pound weight range since then. I’m counting points, cooking recipes from the cookbook, and bringing the leftovers for lunch. On the days that I don’t have leftovers for lunch, I’ve gotten a salad. Andy, on the other hand, has lost 30 pounds. He works out much more than me, as I have some restrictions, but WTF? (I don’t compare myself to him, incidentally, I’m just mentioning it. ) The point is, I could be eating McDonald’s and Wendy’s every day of the week and weigh what I do now.

If I post my daily WW journals, would you guys pretend to scan them in your Readers? I tried starting a dedicated WW blog in 2010, but it was too much effort to update it given that no one was reading it. I really have been watching, so I don’t know how it would help. But it’s worth a try, right?

All I know is that something’s got to give. I’m ready for my attitude to switch from “Oh f*ck. Brunch is this weekend. I need to put on pants and talk to people.” to “Yeah! Brunch is this weekend!” I may never have this PHAT a*s again:

This picture is soooo '00s in the 60614, but it makes me laugh and remember FUN times.

But I’d be happy as hell to have this “fat” a*s again:




P.S. If anyone comments that “It’s harder as you get older,” I will scream. I’ve been on WW enough times that I know that’s crap. I’ve been in countless meetings with old people that simply cut two potato pancakes from their dinner and then walk the mall a few times and they drop 30 pounds. It can be done. And I’m only 36 for F’s sake.

7 comments:

jennifer said...

I'm right there with you. I've declared this the summer of fit and have been working out 5-6 times a week. I get my body fat measured again on Wednesday and I hope to see some results after one month, since the scale refuses to budge. Good luck! Chin up!

Terese said...

i'm happy you posted this for yourself and i hope that it's the kickstart to feeling better - mentally and physically. i would absolutely follow along with your ww journals. i have several friends and family members who are doing the exact same thing right now. tina, from what i've learned of you through blogging, i think you're a thoughtful and hilarious person and i hope you won't be too hard on yourself, but also wish you best of luck in accomplishing your goal!

A Windy City Wedding said...

i hear you sister. i haven't been able to lose weight and have now resorted to going vegan. its been two days. blah. i haven't been working out though because I HATE IT! :)
best of luck to you, i think you are beautiful either way!!!

Tara said...

Tina, I think you are such a strong woman and I hope that you can find a way (maybe this post helped?) to be nicer to yourself. Even if the scale hasn't moved as much as you hoped, I am sure that your efforts have made a difference.

The great thing about blogging is that it can be an outlet- creative or otherwise. I would follow your WW journey. And I bet that the outlet of blogging would be a great way for you to track your efforts and progress. Chin up lady! You can most definitely reach your goals.

Linda said...

I hear you. I've been trying to lose weight since early last year. I do good for a while then lose track. I added weight lifting and I'm seeing more results now than with cardio alone.

Mel said...

I hear ya, sister. I've gained 20 pounds since the wedding. And I was working out HARD then. Not as skinny as my younger years, but I was working out with a freaking trainer 4 days a week. I just can't afford that for the rest of my life. But you're right, some people are like - I stopped drinking pop. (Yeah, me too.) Or, I walk 2 miles a day now. Yeah, I do that every day. I just don't know, but if you figure it out, please share!

devon lorraine ... said...

i'd follow your ww journey too, T! i hope you've been feeling better lately! we're all rooting for you!