I don’t usually write about my personal life, but I just need to vent and get some words off my chest and on “paper” to see if it helps. So please excuse this wordy, curse-filled swan song if you must. Who knows? I may end up deleting it.
I am feeling like crap lately. Not physically like crap. More emotionally like crap. And it’s daunting. When I consider my “problems” from an outsider’s perspective, I feel whiny and narcissistic. While the logical portion of my mind knows that these aren’t “real” problems, the emotional part of my mind is a hot, hot mess. And I'm exhausted.
I was going through some pictures the other day looking for something and stumbled upon this photo of myself from 2006.
I was well on the path to gaining weight back then, but was probably about 20 pounds above my “healthy” weight and about 45 pounds lighter than my current weight. And I thought I was fat. Now, by NYC and Hollywood standards, I probably was fat. But by Chicago standards, I was not that fat. (Well, at least by Chicago standards in 2006. Things seemed to have changed a lot in five years.)
The whole point of this is that I see my old photos and wonder “Why?” Why did I do that to myself? What did I talk badly to myself? That is awful. If ANYONE insulted me as frequently or as badly as I insult myself, I’d lose my sh*t on them or, at the very least, eliminate them from my life. Why do any of us do this to ourselves as women? It is so anti-feminist. Besides, if I was criticizing anything, it should have been that God-awful perm.
I can’t change how I treated myself in the past, but I can improve my internal dialogue moving forward. But what do I do to get the weight off? I’ve been on WeightWatchers since April 11 and haven’t lost squat. I have been bouncing around the same 2-3 pound weight range since then. I’m counting points, cooking recipes from the cookbook, and bringing the leftovers for lunch. On the days that I don’t have leftovers for lunch, I’ve gotten a salad. Andy, on the other hand, has lost 30 pounds. He works out much more than me, as I have some restrictions, but WTF? (I don’t compare myself to him, incidentally, I’m just mentioning it. ) The point is, I could be eating McDonald’s and Wendy’s every day of the week and weigh what I do now.
If I post my daily WW journals, would you guys pretend to scan them in your Readers? I tried starting a dedicated WW blog in 2010, but it was too much effort to update it given that no one was reading it. I really have been watching, so I don’t know how it would help. But it’s worth a try, right?
All I know is that something’s got to give. I’m ready for my attitude to switch from “Oh f*ck. Brunch is this weekend. I need to put on pants and talk to people.” to “Yeah! Brunch is this weekend!” I may never have this PHAT a*s again:
|This picture is soooo '00s in the 60614, but it makes me laugh and remember FUN times.|
But I’d be happy as hell to have this “fat” a*s again:
P.S. If anyone comments that “It’s harder as you get older,” I will scream. I’ve been on WW enough times that I know that’s crap. I’ve been in countless meetings with old people that simply cut two potato pancakes from their dinner and then walk the mall a few times and they drop 30 pounds. It can be done. And I’m only 36 for F’s sake.