Thursday, June 23, 2011

Choosing My Own Attitude

I don’t usually write about my personal life, but I just need to vent and get some words off my chest and on “paper” to see if it helps. So please excuse this wordy, curse-filled swan song if you must. Who knows? I may end up deleting it.
I am feeling like crap lately. Not physically like crap. More emotionally like crap. And it’s daunting. When I consider my “problems” from an outsider’s perspective, I feel whiny and narcissistic. While the logical portion of my mind knows that these aren’t “real” problems, the emotional part of my mind is a hot, hot mess. And I'm exhausted.

I was going through some pictures the other day looking for something and stumbled upon this photo of myself from 2006.

I was well on the path to gaining weight back then, but was probably about 20 pounds above my “healthy” weight and about 45 pounds lighter than my current weight. And I thought I was fat. Now, by NYC and Hollywood standards, I probably was fat. But by Chicago standards, I was not that fat. (Well, at least by Chicago standards in 2006. Things seemed to have changed a lot in five years.) 

The whole point of this is that I see my old photos and wonder “Why?” Why did I do that to myself? What did I talk badly to myself? That is awful. If ANYONE insulted me as frequently or as badly as I insult myself, I’d lose my sh*t on them or, at the very least, eliminate them from my life. Why do any of us do this to ourselves as women? It is so anti-feminist. Besides, if I was criticizing anything, it should have been that God-awful perm.

I can’t change how I treated myself in the past, but I can improve my internal dialogue moving forward.  But what do I do to get the weight off? I’ve been on WeightWatchers since April 11 and haven’t lost squat. I have been bouncing around the same 2-3 pound weight range since then. I’m counting points, cooking recipes from the cookbook, and bringing the leftovers for lunch. On the days that I don’t have leftovers for lunch, I’ve gotten a salad. Andy, on the other hand, has lost 30 pounds. He works out much more than me, as I have some restrictions, but WTF? (I don’t compare myself to him, incidentally, I’m just mentioning it. ) The point is, I could be eating McDonald’s and Wendy’s every day of the week and weigh what I do now.

If I post my daily WW journals, would you guys pretend to scan them in your Readers? I tried starting a dedicated WW blog in 2010, but it was too much effort to update it given that no one was reading it. I really have been watching, so I don’t know how it would help. But it’s worth a try, right?

All I know is that something’s got to give. I’m ready for my attitude to switch from “Oh f*ck. Brunch is this weekend. I need to put on pants and talk to people.” to “Yeah! Brunch is this weekend!” I may never have this PHAT a*s again:

This picture is soooo '00s in the 60614, but it makes me laugh and remember FUN times.

But I’d be happy as hell to have this “fat” a*s again:

P.S. If anyone comments that “It’s harder as you get older,” I will scream. I’ve been on WW enough times that I know that’s crap. I’ve been in countless meetings with old people that simply cut two potato pancakes from their dinner and then walk the mall a few times and they drop 30 pounds. It can be done. And I’m only 36 for F’s sake.


jennifer said...

I'm right there with you. I've declared this the summer of fit and have been working out 5-6 times a week. I get my body fat measured again on Wednesday and I hope to see some results after one month, since the scale refuses to budge. Good luck! Chin up!

Terese said...

i'm happy you posted this for yourself and i hope that it's the kickstart to feeling better - mentally and physically. i would absolutely follow along with your ww journals. i have several friends and family members who are doing the exact same thing right now. tina, from what i've learned of you through blogging, i think you're a thoughtful and hilarious person and i hope you won't be too hard on yourself, but also wish you best of luck in accomplishing your goal!

A Windy City Wedding said...

i hear you sister. i haven't been able to lose weight and have now resorted to going vegan. its been two days. blah. i haven't been working out though because I HATE IT! :)
best of luck to you, i think you are beautiful either way!!!

Tara said...

Tina, I think you are such a strong woman and I hope that you can find a way (maybe this post helped?) to be nicer to yourself. Even if the scale hasn't moved as much as you hoped, I am sure that your efforts have made a difference.

The great thing about blogging is that it can be an outlet- creative or otherwise. I would follow your WW journey. And I bet that the outlet of blogging would be a great way for you to track your efforts and progress. Chin up lady! You can most definitely reach your goals.

Linda said...

I hear you. I've been trying to lose weight since early last year. I do good for a while then lose track. I added weight lifting and I'm seeing more results now than with cardio alone.

Mel said...

I hear ya, sister. I've gained 20 pounds since the wedding. And I was working out HARD then. Not as skinny as my younger years, but I was working out with a freaking trainer 4 days a week. I just can't afford that for the rest of my life. But you're right, some people are like - I stopped drinking pop. (Yeah, me too.) Or, I walk 2 miles a day now. Yeah, I do that every day. I just don't know, but if you figure it out, please share!

devon lorraine ... said...

i'd follow your ww journey too, T! i hope you've been feeling better lately! we're all rooting for you!